04 March 2010

User of The Week #2: Cryptosporidian

Today's interview is with a well known and respected Kongregate user, being a mod, not to mention the inventor of everlasting textwalls and the subsequent acronym "tl;dr". Here is our chat with him (or her :P).

Q: How did you think up your name?

A: *Digs through files* Ah, here we go~ Basically, I came on Kongregate shortly after beating the Destroy All Humans series, a game which I still love quite a bit and would never hesitate playing again. The main character’s name was Cryptosporidium, and the ring of the name greatly appealed to me. Nevertheless, there was one problem, which google gladly revealed to me upon my searching the name. Not even did my favorite videogame protagonist come up, the entire first page was a list of hits about ‘Cryptosporidium, the intestinal bacteria.’ I really, really did not want to give up such a cool name, yet at the same time, I didn’t want to be named after something that festers in someone’s gut and lives off of various materials which pass through. And so, I changed the last two letters, and boom! Same sound, no longer a creepy foodborne parasite. Opening up Kongregate, I typed this in, and soon the little red-eyed Cryptosporidian popped out in all it’s noobishness, ready for the weeks and months to come

Q: And that was a good thing, as many people have flamed you about your name anyway. So, how do you consistently pulse 800k pulses without the urge to press the little “W”?

A: First, being the complete meanieface that I am, I choose to tear apart your question by pointing out it’s many fallacies. First and foremost, I have never pulsed 800,000 or more keys at a time- My record was my last pulse, at 795,333 keys. Furthermore, the average of each of my pulses is actually approximately 391,000. Through they have been consistently getting larger and larger, I have nowhere near come to do such a high number with any sort of consistency. Secondly, it’s not possible to pulse 800,000 pulses at once. you can only pulse one pulse at a time [EDITORS NOTE: Actually, you are wrong there. There is a glitch in WP allowing multiple pulses at once. The most so far has been 17, but 800,000 is theoretically possible]. And finally, I have the urge to press the little W all the time, because it gives me a dropdown menu to access my geek window from, to check the amount of pulses I have. But, to get at your actual question, to me a huge pulse is much more epic than a teeny one or even a medium-sized one, and as a result I strive to build up epic amounts of pulseage.

Q: Why are you awesome?

A: No trying to force me to be a narcissist <3 Everyone is awesome in someone’s eyes for totally different reasons, any justifications I might give for my supposed awesomeness certainly will not hold out across the board, and are far from universal. I am awesome if you believe me to be awesome based on those characteristics you see in me that make you think I’m awesome. ‘Nuff said.

Q: Apart from you, who do you think is the best Kong WP user?

A:I’m not the best Kongregate WhatPulse user in the first place. But given my Epic-WhatPulse-User-Criteria, combined with amazing Mathy-Sciency skillz...
Formula: User Rating = Coolness to Hotness Ratio * Activity in artificial units of time * PulseSize(Rank - Letters in username)
This is rewritten as: uR = C:H * A * ps(r - L)
Given: I am the second coolest whatpulse user EVAR.
Given: My uR is 594
Therefore: Find user with uR over 73
Hypothesis: Evilducks is the best whatpulse user
Equation: uR = 5/.5 * 2.3 A.U.T. * 2.6(19-9)
uR = 10 * 2.3 * 26
uR = 598
My hypothesis has been proven with rock solid evidence in the form of indisputable math.

Q: What is your main WP goal?

A: First place is always something nice to aspire to, but given that it would take years to acquire that many millions of keystrokes, I think I’ll currently keep my sights on making it to, and staying in the top 25. After that the top 20, then the top 15, and so on.

Q: Why and when did you join WP?

A: Selly, the evil KangarooSquirrel from the sunny side, badgered me over and over again with repeated fits of groveling in order to finally convince skeptical ‘ole me to sign up. [EDITORS NOTE: It's true, sadly...]

Q: Any tips?

A: I’ll tip you $2.50 if you actually read my entire ramblings, consisting of minor yellow brick textwalls, a snazzy equation, and some other meaningless garble that you might actually care about! So, yes, i have this tip, but it’s only one, and next time you don’t have to ask so brashly! >:O [EDITORS NOTE: GIVE ME MAH MONIEZ!]

No comments:

Post a Comment